The Bride, by Julie Garwood

Some of you may remember that I had an ambitious (for me) TBR list that included two SRS books, and The Hunger Games. It will surprise none of you that I made it through The Hunger Games before I decided that was enough heavy shit and people dying. I decided it was time for some lighter fare, or at least a book that didn’t prominently involve death. Enter The Bride by Julie Garwood and its 172 5-star reviews on Amazon. Because apparently the fanatically positive reviews for Sherrilyn Kenyon have taught me nothing. 

The Bride is a Highlander romance, in which a bonny and spirited English lass is wed to a menacing Highland laird and they learn to love each other in spite of their cultural differences, usually through nonstop newlywed fucking. Handy that kilts provide such easy access! That reminds me - there will be at least one joke about Scottish lairds being naked under their kilts. 

So anyways, the Bonny and Spirited English Lass (TM) in this situation is Jamie. Oh, we’re going to have a little chat about Jamie. Garwood apparently couldn’t settle for just one Spirited English Lass (TM) cliche, so she went for them all. Here’s a list of facts about Jamie: 

• She can read and write
• She speaks perfect Gaelic
• She is an expert physician (the kind who can heal otherwise-fatal wounds with a few crushed leaves and a tincture)
• She can shoot a bow and arrow with incredible accuracy
• She can throw a knife with incredible accuracy
• She rides her spirited horse bareback, with incredible skill
• Her riding skills are so incredible that she frequently stands up while riding her spirited horse bareback
• She can instantly charm even the most stubborn Scottish soldier
• She is constantly saving small children
• She is constantly being saved by her laird husband
• She is flawlessly beautiful (violet eyes, streaming raven hair, etc)
• She single-handedly unites the Highland clans
• I kind of want to punch Jamie by now, don’t you?

She has a couple of token flaws: she has a poor sense of direction, and she’s an insufferable know-it-all (Garwood may not have intended that reaction, now that I think about it). Still, she’s doing pretty good for a woman in 1100! I know suspension of disbelief is important for all novels, but at this point I think the time-traveling nurse from Outlander is a more realistic. 

Her Highland Laird is Alec. Here’s a few facts about Alec:

• He is very big
• He wears kilts
• He gets angry a lot

In the beginning, I was having a lot of fun. Alec and Jamie meet and get married and journey to Scotland, and it’s pretty good! The sex gets going early in the book (Alec sees Jamie bathing, which happens so frequently in romance novels I’m starting to think authors have Frequent Plot Device cards and are cashing in on hotels stays and discounted flights somewhere), and their sparring is fun, if not terribly inventive. 

Then they get to Scotland, and the whole book turns into a mess. I should have known it was coming. It was like going out on a bad date. You know the signs. The dude might order a Zima, or casually mention Ayn Rand. But you don’t REALLY know what you’ve gotten yourself into until you find yourself listening to him tell an obviously-exaggerated story about his spring break trip to Gulf Shores with his main brahs. 

The story gets to be episodic and kind of boring. In one day, Jamie is chased down by a wild boar, saves a small child, is almost burned alive in a cottage (somebody wants her dead or something I don’t even care at this point), and she probably starts a war or whatever (she’s always starting wars). And yeah, that’s STILL boring. There’s too many characters, I kept losing track of the action, and by the end, I started flirting with the other books on my Kindle. 

I have to say, it wasn’t unpleasant. There were a lot of redeeming moments throughout the book, and I even laughed out loud a few times. That said, there are so many talented romance novelists writing great books right now, and you don’t have to spend your time and money on a book that’s “not unpleasant.” 

Go check out Braveheart or Outlander if you need a kilt fix. I’d skip this. 

As You Desire, by Connie Brockaway, plus the several interjections about The Mummy

My friend Lil’ Rach (to distinguish her from Raycho Rach) is one of my go-to romance experts. As you may notice from reading her blog, she’s also an expert on trashy movies. Our worlds converged a couple of weeks ago while having a long, boozy (on my end) text conversation, and the result was me buying this book under the influence and forgetting about it until I saw it on my Kindle the next morning. Like you’ve never done it, don’t even judge me. 

As You Desire is one of what I like to call Mummy romances. A Mummy Romance is so-named because the characters exactly resemble the leads in The Mummy (… whatever, come up with a better name why don’t you). The woman is a brilliant scholar and probably a librarian, and the dude is a handsome, fortune-seeking scoundrel, and these two usually meet in Victorian Egypt, usually while questing after an artifact of some kind.

 As far as I know, the genre of Mummy Romance contains exactly two books. One is excellent Mr. Impossible by Loretta Chase. The other one is As You Desire. However, Victorian Egypt is a hugely popular setting among historical romance writers, so there’s bound to be several dozen more Mummy Romances that I haven’t read (most of which probably actually predate The Mummy). I definitely plan to do more exploring of the genre (and please let me know if you have any recommendations) (could there BE any more parenthesis in this review?) (yes), because I love anything to do with Ancient Egypt and I’m not particularly bothered by historical inaccuracy or anachronism.

Anyways, the Rachel Weiss in this book is Desdemona Carlisle (Historical Romance Name Alert!), and she’s a linguistic genius living in Cairo with her grandfather. The Brendan Fraser is Harry Braxton, who’s a man with a terrible secret, also living in Cairo. The unusual thing in this case is that Desdemona and Harry have been good friends for years before the book starts, and it added a bit of depth to their relationship, which I really liked.

There are no love triangles involving mummies. In that sense, the term “Mummy Romance” is a bit of misnomer.

The plot involves antiques (of course) and scrolls (of course) and desert nomads (of course), and several kidnappings (UGH OF COURSE). There’s several different threads going on, which is normally something I really like in any book, but the pacing of As You Desire was sort of meandering, and it never really gelled for me. That’s why I’m not going to say any more about it, because we’ve all seen The Mummy, and if you liked that, you’ll be cool with this.

BY FAR the best reasons to read this book are Desdemona and Harry. They were far more memorable than most characters in historical romance, and their relationship was far more compelling to be because of their history. I didn’t feel like the writing was as clean or effortless as the other Mummy Romance (Mr. Impossible, if you’re not keeping track), but I cared enough about Desdemona and Harry to read through the whole book and thoroughly enjoy it.

I highly recommend this for any fans of Mummy Romance.

Devil in Winter, by Lisa Kleypas

Yes, I searched until I found an image of the old split cover. Of course, Sebastian and Evie are almost never outside in this whole book, and it is with extreme regret that I must inform you that Sebastian is never shirtless EXCEPT for a glorious cape. Even so, this is still a pretty great book. 

One thing that I really love about a series is it gives an author more time to build characters and friendships and so when it’s time to read the next book, it’s easy to jump right in (and yes, you should read the two preceding books in the series before picking this up). By the time we get to Devil in Winter, we’ve already spent a good amount of time with both Sebastian and Evie, and we’ve got a good sense of what motivates them and why. The plot, which could be ridiculous, is instead believable.

Long story short, Evie and Simon enter into a marriage of convenience. This is one of my favorite romance novel plot devices, because it means you can have society-sanctioned sex from way early on in the book, and believe me, Lisa Kleypas does not hesitate to get that ball rolling. Evie, as we remember from previous books, is the shyest Wallflower, and has a terrible stammer. Sebastian, as we REALLY remember from the last book, is an incorrigible rake and kind of a shithead. It’s a pretty traditional character pairing and it works very well here. Sparks fly, Sebastian is overwhelmed by his response to Evie, you know the drill.

And then, Kleypas makes it REALLY interesting by having Sebastian take on the project of saving Evie’s father’s gambling club, and both Evie and Sebastian’s attempts to salvage their friendships with other book characters and I really cannot give you more details without spoiling the shit out of the second book but I PROMISE, this all makes for the rare kind of romance novel that is just as good when the characters are not fucking.

I’ve complained before that it’s harder to review a book that you like than it is to review a book that sucked, and I’m feeling that same sense of inadequacy here. I felt like the first book in the series was fairly standard but enjoyable, the second was great, and this one was top-notch. Lisa Kleypas has renewed my interest in historical romance, which I think must be the most challenging genre to write. In contemporary romance, the characters can live almost everywhere and have almost any profession and be nearly any age. With paranormal romance you can always throw in another vampire, or, if you’re Laurell K. Hamilton, different combinations of species having sex. Regency romance is limited to a very specific part of the world at a very specific time, and I feel like there are only so many times you can read a scene in which a sexy duke and a young maiden steal away from a fancy ball to exchange a forbidden kiss. It takes a good writer to keep it fresh and fun.

Anyways, this book elevated Kleypas to the level of Eloisa James or Loretta Chase for me, which is pretty SRS BZNSS. I highly recommend the Wallflowers series. I’m going to take a short break, but in a month or so I plan to read the Wallflower Christmas book. In the meantime, y’all get on it. 

The Masquerade by Brenda Joyce

Plot:

As a child, shy, bookish Elizabeth Anne Fitzgerald loses her heart to the dashing young lord, Tyrell de Warenne. Although she is well aware that he is the heir to an earldom and utterly unattainable, Lizzie secretly worships him for years. And one fateful evening—the night of her first masquerade ball—she is stunned when he suggests that they rendezvous at midnight. But then fortune takes a maddening turn and Lizzie is thwarted from ever meeting Tyrell. Lizzie is certain such an opportunity will never arise again, but that night is only the beginning…

Tyrell de Warenne is shocked when, two years later, Lizzie arrives on his doorstep with a child that she claims is his. He remembers her well—and knows that it is impossible that he is the boy’s father. What is this game she is playing…and why? Is Elizabeth Anne Fitzgerald a woman of vast experience, or the gentle innocent he had believed her to be? Tyrell quickly decides he will play her game and he claims the child as his own—determined to uncover Lizzie’s lies. But neither scandal, deception nor pride can thwart a love too grand and passionate to ever be denied…

Comments:

I’ve always been a Brenda Joyce fan since I’ve read Violet Fire and thought it was her best novel by far. So when I saw The Masquerade, I was instantly lured by the beautiful and intriguing plot and even more ecstatic when I read the book. As far as I’m concerned, I think it even surpassed Violet Fire in terms of the story and all the other elements. This is an epitome of a great historical romance novel with adorable protagonists, exceptional story line and a not so annoying conflict. The story was so poignant and emotional that I can’t help but shed a few tears for Lizzie’s heartaches by loving a man who is way above her station and settling to be his mistress just so she can just have a shot at the man she loved since she was at a tender of age of 10. What I really love about this book is that it was not a one-sided infatuation on Lizzie’s part. You can feel the depth of affection Tyrell shared with her and how important she is in Tyrell’s life. I cried at the part when Ty almost begged Lizzie not to leave him and Lizzie torn about leaving, not that she wants to but was morally bound to do so. The only downer perhaps in this book is Lizzie’s selflessness (bordering on martyrdom), which is actually kinda annoying. Others may find it really endearing of her although I just couldn’t take how she can handle being scorned and laughed at just to spare her sister (which is a real #%#%!! by the way)  or her family getting hurt. Other than that, the time spent reading the book was all worth it. I could hardly put the book down after I started reading it. It’s definitely a must read. Looking forward to reading Brenda Joyce’s De Warenne Dynasty…  

When the Duke Returns, by Eloisa James

Yeah, there is no mention of a masked ball at any point in the book. Excellent cover choice.

Okay, so Isidore and Simeon were married by proxy when she was 12 and he was … older, and she expected him to show up and collect her when she turned 16, but Simeon was too busy off traversing the globe and learning the ~*~ways of the world~*~ to make it back. The book opens when Simeon has finally got his (sexy, sculpted) ass back to England to see Isidore. Isidore has never met Simeon and is ready for the worst, but basically nothing could prepare a British lady for Simeon.

Seriously, Simeon is one of my favorite heroes ever. He has some kind of crunchy Zen aspect that is absolutely hilarious. At one point, he matter-of-factly states that he heard music in an Indian bazaar so beautiful that he started to weep. He is a virgin (well, until he and Isadore start their no-holds-barred fucking), which is something that he mentions relatively often and with no shame. He has all kinds of little quirks - he runs around the estate for exercise, he wears trousers rather than breeches, eschews wigs, and is knowledgeable in the vague “Eastern Art of Defense.” There were roundhouse kicks to the face, as promised, and they were excellent.

Isidore was basically the hottest of the duchess clique, and in every other book in the series she is basically just a busty bombshell waiting for her husband. In this book, she is a busty bombshell who happens to be whip-smart and completely capable of running an estate. One thing I love about all of Eloisa’s duchesses is that they are confident, intelligent, and they have no problem taking charge of situation. Isidore can’t deliver multiple roundhouse kicks to the face like Simeon can, but she can hold her own against surly septic workers and even surlier village blacksmiths, and she can do it in panniers, heels, and a wig.

One thing that I really enjoyed about both Isidore and Simeon together was that though they were obviously intelligent people with a lot of life experience, they were both bedroom novices and the way they taught and learned from each other was completely heartwarming and adorable. And, you know, hot.

For once, I was actually as interested in the plot as I was in the sexxings. Simeon has returned from his travels to find that his ancestral estate is falling apart. His father was a epic cheapskate and little nuts, and refused to pay most of the bills. All of the furniture is wrecked, the gardens are overgrown, and the house is, quite literally, full of shit because of poorly-designed and totally-neglected plumbing. Simeon has to work his (sexy, sculpted) ass off to get everything back to normal. Another detail that I loved - Isidore doesn’t spend most of the book angsting about ~*~feelings~*~ and jumps into helping Simeon right the estate, EVEN BEFORE she decides she wants to stick with him. Props to Isidore.

Gripe: this is part of a series, and the secondary plot involves the most boring couple in it, the Duke and Duchess of Beaumont. I read as quickly as possible through these passages so I could get back to the good bits. In fact, having finished this book, I can now say that I loved every book in this series, EXCEPT the one about the Beaumonts, This Duchess of Mine.

The Duke and I by Julia Quinn

This is one of those Standard Romance Novels, the kind of thing that everybody tells you to read when you first start reading romance because it DEFIES AND YET DEFINES THE GENRE!!!1 or something. So I was expecting a lot when I went in, and I gotta say, for the first several chapters, I didn’t get it.

It’s probably not fair to compare any other historical romance writer to Loretta Chase, who is basically a goddess and we should all worship at her sexy altar, but hey, I had been hearing that this was The Book to End All Books. Can you blame me? While Lord of Scoundrels or The Last Hellion or Mr. Impossible grabbed me from the very first paragraph on the very first page, The Duke and I did not. The characters felt a little boring, the humor fell a little flat, and I was just not that interested. I felt that way for about the first third.

Now that I’ve finished it, I have revised my opinion. But first! TO THE PLOT!

Daphne Bridgerton has brown hair and brown eyes and seven siblings, and Simon Basset is Duke of Hastings and is Very Intense, with a Troubled Past. He has Blue Eyes Most Icy. This is all you need to know, because since they’re the hero and heroine you know they’re going to get married and bone, and because Hastings is SO VERY, VERY INTENSE, there is going to be Angst about his Troubled Past. I was all, “I read this book, back when it was called Lord of Scoundrels and Simon Basset ain’t got NOTHING on Sebastian Dain, kay gurl?” (my internal monologue is 13, by the way).

So here is the part where I tell you about the Changing Moment that totally sold me on this book. Uh, I don’t know what it was. There was a duel, that was pretty cool, and as Daphne and Simon began to get closer, I got a lot more interested. Her siblings seemed more like individual people instead of just a pile of brothers, and her mother is genuinely hilarious. By the time we got to the first sex scene (and it’s a good one), I was pretty sold.

I enjoyed this book a lot, and I would say that it is better than most historical romances. Daphne and Simon’s romance was very sweet and felt very heart … uh, felt, and once the pace picked up I couldn’t put it down.

AND YET! I am not chomping at the bit to finish the Bridgerton series, unlike after I read my first Chase or James and I went out and bought ALL OF THEM. For me, the story never ~*~transcended~*~ into a ~*~higher level~*~ of ~*~romance~*~.

Do I think this is The Book to End All Books? No. But it’s a great historical romance and I would definitely recommend it. If I hadn’t gone in with such high expectations, I would have gotten more out of it, I think, but it was a good, solid read.

WARNING: I know a fair bit of my readers are childfree, so I should warn you that pregnancy is a pretty big theme in this story. If you can’t even deal with noxious baby epilogues, then this might not be the book for you.