January 31, 2011 / 8:00AM 40 notes

And you thought mummies and swamp things were the only monsters not sexified.

Lap Dance, by Sally Painter

Remember that book we were mocking a couple of days ago? Well, my friend Melinda actually READ IT AND REVIEWED IT. Gird your loins, here comes gargoylesex.

Let me start out by saying I’m a smut newbie. A smutbie? A rube (which would be like a romance noob)? I digress. Point being, I don’t often read romance, not out of any prejudice, but it’s just not a genre I’ve really explored. But you’ve wooed me, with your strong, hard-bodied descriptions, your suggestively tented posts, your smell of musk and cinnamon that causes my fingers to ache, LONG to type reviews of badly written trash. So I submit to your wanton desires, Romance Club.

To the story! Amazon describes the plot pretty fairly, but there’s so much nuance. Love. Mystery. Gargoylesex. (SPOILER ALERT! I TELL THE WHOLE STORY!)

The book starts off with Cat giving Grant the lap dance. She is attempting to win a sports car in the final stage of a contest. But this is not a trashy sports car. It is a noble, symbolic sports car, since she has dreams of being a doctor. This bitch is grinding for the FUTURE, people. How dare you judge her.

Overcome by her inexplicable lust for the subject of her aspirational lap dancing, she ran off before the dance was complete. Later that night, Grant flies (yes) into her apartment and swoops her up to take her back to his…lair? She believes she is dreaming the whole thing. Now people, I’ve had some pretty vivid dreams, but I’m not stupid enough to confuse me sleeping with BEING SWEPT INTO THE SKY BY A FLYING HUNKY GARGOYLE. She should probably rethink that doctor thing.

Gargoyles apparently have a deep need to finish what has been started, hence why he kidnapped her (no, he says this. I guess blue balls are a life-and-death situation for gargoyles). He wants her to finish the lap dance. He NEEDS HER TO FINISH the lap dance.  So, she agrees, but

~*~*~*HE FIRST BRINGS HER INTO THE JOYS OF SEXUAL ECSTACY~*~*~*~

We also learn that in order to break the gargoyle curse, which is 20 years of being in stone except for one night (AND THIS IS THE FATEFUL NIGHT), he must have sex with a woman who can deal with the gargoyle change occurring while they are boning. This is brought up about four times, which wouldn’t be much except that this book is really short. Anyways, he’s a considerate gargoyle that believes in foreplay, so he pleasures her (including the romantic shocker move), there is lots of description of “pussy” (the term itself was used many many MANY times) and its various states of moisture and swelling, and she’s way into it, naturally, because nothing turns her on more than a flying dude who she was giving a lap dance to. 

Finally she decides to complete the lap dance, which soon moves to where they bone proper, which is notable mostly due to this moving description of the act:

"The sound of his balls slapping her ass filled the night, echoing across the lake." 

[Wait, did you catch that? We might have to repeat it, just in case.]

"The sound of his balls slapping her ass filled the night, echoing across the lake."

People, if I’ve ever had an aspiration in my life, it’s to have a gargoyle’s turgid rod in my supple lady folds, with his balls slapping my ass in the night, ECHOING. The echoes make it meaningful. This is romance.  If there is anything pure and good left in this world, it’s balls slapping ass in a moving night symphony.

While their “love” echoes across the lake, he is gradually transforming back into a gargoyle, sprouting his wings again and his face changing (I’m assuming he’s not turning into stone). All the other women have recoiled at this point, but Cat IS SPECIAL. Cat is not frightened. Cat is somewhat turned on, even. He blows his magic curse-breaking load, and then asks Cat to “share the night” with him forever, since I guess once you break the curse, it just means he won’t be stone for 20 years, but he will if he goes into sunlight (but then only until sunset). So he’s like a gargoylvampire? Of course, she’s hot for him, so she agrees. ~*~The End~*~

Overall, this was terrible, but tolerably terrible. And it was free (though dare I say it was priceless, as a result of the echoing ball-ass action). Would I recommend it? Um, not to anyone I actually see in person. I try to pretend I have standards! And this book reveals that I have none. So if you have 20 minutes to kill and a deep desire to know more about human/gargoyle relations, this story is for you.

Well, that was one hell of a ride. Thank you, Melinds. I think we all need a cigarette now.

Melindsfree awful bookslap dancesally paintersubmission

Notes

  1. mor-so reblogged this from romanceclub and added:
    I LOL’D SO HARD YA’LL!L
  2. bookling-stormborn reblogged this from ipomoeaj and added:
    Aw. I was really hoping that he was literally going to turn to stone while boning.
  3. ipomoeaj reblogged this from crabby-cakess and added:
    Melinda is a damn saint.
  4. crabby-cakess reblogged this from wellofcromulence and added:
    This bitch is grinding for the future.
  5. nanner reblogged this from wellofcromulence and added:
    I am trying to stifle my laughter something FIERCE right now. We need to have a book club-esque reading of this shit,...
  6. wellofcromulence reblogged this from romanceclub and added:
    “The sound of his balls slapping her ass filled the night, echoing across the lake.”
  7. warlioness said: I beg to differ! Mummies have certainly been sexified. (Mostly in movies though … mmm… bare chested, tanned and oiled Arnold Vosloo.)
  8. someauthorgirl said: I have an inexplicable (echoing, even) need to read this now!
  9. fiercelittleplatypus said: Hahahahah. Awesome review! *clapclapclap*
  10. Melinda, aka PH submitted this to romanceclub
Text post